It was suppose to be the best week of my life. I was finished, done, outta there, FREE! No more work. I had finally reached the destination I had hoped for, prayed for, and lost all of my hair for. I was full time blogging, i.e. scraping by, not sure I should have made the choice, questioned everything and wonder what the heck I was doing.
As I was standing there on my last shift of a job I had worked for 3 years, I saw the clock *tick, tick, tick* away all of my certainty and comfort. With every movement of the little hand I started to get the feeling of anxiety grow in my stomach,”What was I doing? Why did I choose now. I’m not ready, I’m not making any money, I have no clue where I’m going to go or what I’m going to do.”
I kept playing it off to everyone asking where I was going. I would quickly respond with a, “I know it’ll be great, kinda scary but I’m excited.”
Kinda scary? The understatement of the century.
I was broke working as a barista, and now for some reason I decided that I would build up enough courage to quit my job. Why this need to quit you may ask? Well after years of pursuing my dream and wanting to start my own business, and some difficult circumstances that happened at my work, the fire built up inside of me and I decided to do it. I figured there was no time like the present. “C’est La vie” Or whatever the kids who think they are so smart are saying these days.
In Lamen’s terms. YOLO.
I knew I couldn’t stay at a place where I felt safe and comfortable and also at a place that was stifling my growth as an entrepreneur. So though I don’t regret leaving, I have sat her for the past 7 days wondering when the magic will kick in. Will Tinkerbell be doing that? Because she must have gotten lost along the way. When will the spark let me know that I have finally made it? That I’m gonna do it, and it’ll all be okay!
Okay. What does that even mean? We are all “okay” when people ask us how we are. We are all “okay” when everything internally makes you want to scream. But we can’t say that right? We have to be strong, not weak. The weak don’t win, CONFIDENCE wins.
Right? I guess that’s what I’m told from every other successful person, so it must be true.
When I woke up Monday morning I thought I was going to have this overwhelming surge to change everything and become so passionate and organized. I was going to wake up early, work out, eat better. Change my routine, change my body, change my life, TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Hum.. Didn’t work so well.
For the first few days I chalked it up to “catching up on 3 years of sleep”, on the days that followed I pretended like I was working hard, and working such long hours. Ya right. I was lazy, I AM lazy.
Why wasn’t this week everything I wanted it to be. Why didn’t I feel empowered and ready to work harder than I ever have?
The real question was, “why does everyone believe in me more than I believe in myself?”. I had this strange desire for some big bully to walk up to me and DARE me to fail. To say those words that every famous and successful person has said “defined” them.
“You can’t do it! You don’t have the talent, the passion, or the ability. You will fail little girl”. Then they would spit on me or something equally as degrading. But no one was doing that. Everyone was being so…. Nice.
When I left my job all of my regulars and employees showered me with kindness and gifts. I got cards that read “you can do it, we believe in you!”, or “if anyone can do it, it’s you.”
Then I would get the occasional, “I hope it works out for you, it sounds great!”
One of my least favorite words in existence.
Hope. How can one word mean so much? How can one word make or break someones future successes?
I LOVED everyone, and everything I was given, and am definitely not complaining about the support, but all I began to feel after I left my job that day, was a feeling of empty hope. The sibling to my favorite, “sad hope”. Not the kind of hope that is building a path to a brighter future. The type of hope that let’s you sit in denial when you REALLY know everything is about to come crashing down.
The kind of hope that soon turns into hopelessness.
When you are six and all you could ever want is a pony, or become a princess, or move to Disneyland, and you just hope you will get those things.
When you’re told from your parents that they are getting separated but they hope to works things out.
When you get bad news about a diagnosis of a grandparent but the doctors hope to find something to cure them.
When you quit your job and hope you don’t have to go to Kinkos to get your resume printed out, but you already know what you are going to put on it. “April 2018-May 2018 – Self Employed“.
When you know what you are going to say to your future boss when they ask, “So why didn’t you stay at your current job.”
“I just couldn’t make it work, but I hope to keep trying.”
Why is it so hard for other people to see the ability in you than yourself? Why is it that the only thing we see when we look in the mirror is the self doubt, self loathing, and comparison to those that never hoped. They did. They never wondered, they succeeded.
So though you may wonder why the heck this girl is saying all of these depressing things. I have decided to document my months of self employment with you all, and write about my true feelings of this journey.
I boast about finding the Silver Lining in every story. Right now, I am wondering what color the lining is to mine, because I can’t seem to find it.
I want to take this journey with you all. Because who else would I take it with? Tell me about your experiences and how you beat anxiety.